Imperfection

Where I walk, if competition dwells, there shall I strive to be perfect.

I just made a very stupid mistake. The answer was 121, but I shouted 521 in the whole auditorium. How can I mess up 5 cubed with 11 squared? lolz, I'd be feeling so much more mahlu if the lecturer didn't notice and thought I said 121. The question was what comes after 61, 52, 63, 94, 46, 18, 1, ?. The answer to this puzzle is that each number is a square number backwards. I understood it quickly, but I somehow got confused.
Perhaps it was neccessary for me to experience this. To me, it can symbolise my life at MJC during the last 2 months. While I do observe and understand many things, in practice my actions do not reflect what I should do. Rather I have ended up making far too much unrest.
I suppose its a habit, but being a perfectionist I cannot help but blame myself for failures and problems. Even those elsewhere belonging to other people. I try to be the best in being kind to others, yet I can't easily accept that I cannot always help those who need it. I suppose I do see society as a hindrance there, but I also feel like I lack the capability.

I hope I don't fall into depression. I mustn't, not now. Maybe this sad feeling is partially because I will miss MJ and all the people here. Well, some of them anyways. There are people who say failure is to not leave memories, and I do know I left an impression here, but I fail also if its a bad one. On top of all this, I'm still looking for people whom I can trust and give of myself to. I cannot rely on my family, friends are all that I have.

Well, enough blabbing.. there was a Science Society 'party' just now. It was a disaster, people didn't really turn up. And the ice-cream melted, we call it entropy in action. It was Ben and Jerry's, and I ate far too much of that some weeks ago. But I still couldn't resist eating..
Here ends an uber long post filled with abstract stuff. I still got some articles to type for the church youth megazine. Maybe I'll post them up here if I get round to doing them. Heh, I really do blog more when I see another person's blog being updated. I've seen too many blogs 'die', this one won't die (but may become dormant).
[Its so difficult to find a proper file server, Geocities just does not work! Enjoy this song while it lasts!]